Things Unnatural
by maddiej93
Summary: When he looks at me, I feel the closest to being loved as I ever have. His look is pure love, pure unadulterated love and he gives me it every single day. His smile gives me light in the darkness, his laughter and jokes give me hope to live another day. Someone I never expected to love me, loves me. Someone I could never love, because who is he? I didn't know then, but now I do.
1. Chapter 1

_I_ never understood love. People always say that the love between a mother and a father and their child is unparalleled to any other love. People always say that sometimes you don't understand this type of love until you yourself have a child. Maybe that's true, maybe it isn't. I don't know. I don't have a child.

Not knowing is like being afraid of the dark as a little kid. I'm blind, succumbed to darkness and enveloped in fear. I like to think that I have more knowledge than the average seventeen-year old high school student. I like to think that I have complete control of all aspects of my life, but I don't. My screams wake me up in the early hours of the morning, affecting my closest friends, some of the few people who truly hear me, who truly see and understand me for who I am, who I'm not and who I want to be.

The terror of sensing death and the unknowingness of when it will find me is like drowning. Suffocating, my lungs bursting with fright, seeing and hearing things that should never be seen or heard. Things inhuman. Things unnatural.

But in every dark place, there is a light. A small beacon of hope, a glimpse of happiness and love. What is love? I still don't understand. How can one who has never been truly loved understand? But love finds you when you least expect it, sometimes in the person you never expect. Someone you could never love, because who is he? I didn't know then, but I do now.

When he looks at me, I feel the closest to being loved as I ever have. Not even my parents, who have been with me since birth, have ever looked at me the way he does. His look is pure love. It is pure, unadulterated love and he gives me it every single day. His smile gives me light in the darkness. His laughter and his jokes gives hope and joy to live another day.

My friends, my pack, are my rock. They are the family I never had. They are the family that answers my calls; they are the family that drops everything to ensure that I am safe and protected. I think they might love me. They say they do. But how do I really know when I have never felt it?


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Sorry for any mistakes. I didn't feel like editing and wrote this in one sitting. Hope you enjoy. M rating to come. **

"Lydia."

"LYDIA!"

"Lydia. Lydia. Wake up. Please wake up."

It's his voice that pulls me out of the darkness.

My eyes open, searching for light, but I can't see. I just see blackness. I open my mouth to scream, but no sound comes out.

"Lydia, can you see me?" Voices. I know these voices. I feel comforted. They are here. They are here with me. They are protecting me. I am safe.

I take a deep breath, willing myself to see their faces. Nothing.

I squeeze my eyes tight and feel myself slip back under.

The world is a haze. The hallways seem narrower and images are distorted. I whirl around, searching for a familiar face. All these faces, all these people I used to know are now strangers. I seek out my friends, but I can't find them.

I see Jackson, but I find no pull for him. I frown as he passes, not acknowledging my existence.

I see two brunette boys laughing over some joke or some story being shared. The slightly taller, short haired boy looks up at me, his eyes filled with some unknown emotion as he stares. I take a deep breath, swallowing my feelings towards this awkward boy I've never talked to before, and flounce past.

Now I am running, running fast, running hard. I'm running faster and harder than I thought was possible. I do not run out of breath, I do not feel my muscles burning with fire. I feel coldness.

I stop in front of a pair of double doors. I press my ear against the door. I hear voices and music and laughter.

I slowly open the door, unsure of what I'll find. My brow furrows and I lose my breath. I see myself. I see Stiles. I'm sitting down in a chair at the dance. He's standing in front of me, speaking quickly and animatedly.

"…And I'm almost pretty sure that I'm the only one that knows how smart you really are."

I watch myself make that look. The look where I'm trying to disguise my true emotions, the look of a girl who hides her true self.

I close my eyes, remembering this moment. Remembering feeling myself brush the truth of his words and how they affected me.

I open my eyes. I find myself watching me sit next to Sheriff Stilinski and Melissa. I remember them from going on fieldtrips with my class as a child.

I alternate between watching myself in the bleachers and Stiles on the field. My heart is pounding now almost as hard as it was then.

He's running backwards and awkwardly, looking around at the other players with so much uncertainty that it was embarrassing to see.

"SHOOT IT!" I hear myself screech. We make eye connection, and I see that look again. That look that I can't quite put my finger on. He shoots, he scores.

I clap my hands together and smile. He did it.

I blink. I see myself standing in a forest my foot resting on a trap. I'm frozen with fright. I know I cannot move or the contraption will lock around my foot and ankle.

"Stiles…"

"Lydia, don't move."

My breath comes out in short and uneven pants.

"Look for a warning label," I tell him. I'm surprised I could even think of a clear remedy to this problem.

"A warning label?"

I roll my eyes and listen as I describe what a warning label is.

"Why the hell would they put instructions on the bottom of a trap?" This time, I feel a smile tickle my lips.

"Because animals can't read!"

We make eye contact. He looks scared. He crouches down to find the label.

"Lydia, we've got a problem," he tells me, "I can't read, either."  
"You don't need the instructions," I hear myself tell him, "when is the last time you have ever used instructions, am I right?"

I smile at him with tears in my eyes. "You don't need them because you are too smart to waste your time with them, okay?"

I watch as he looks up at me with surprise.

"You can figure it out. Stiles, you're the one who always figures it out." As I was telling this to Stiles then, I realize now that I was also figuring out my feelings for him. They frightened me so I ignored them as I always did.

I take a deep, shaking breath and go on, "So you can do it. Figure. It. Out."

I look down at him as he pushes apart the weeds surrounding the trap. His breath catches as he finds the solution to our problem.

"Okay, here we go. Ready?" His breath is just as uneven and ragged as mine.

I look down at him in confirmation.

"Okay, here we go."

His hand clutches something I can't see and turns it, hard. A trigger is released and I squeal, jumping into his arms, wrapping my arms around his shoulders.

I actually smile, watching the scene.

Together, we take deep breaths and glance into each others eyes. I watch as Stiles absentmindedly strokes my hair.

I close my eyes, basking in this memory.

I open them. Now I am in Stile's bedroom.

I see myself lying on Stile's bed and watch him as he adds photos and strings to his wall.

"What do they mean?" I ask.

He explains that green means solved, yellow is to be determined and blue is just pretty. Red is unsolved.

I glance at the wall. There is only red string.

"You only have red on the board," I hear myself telling him.

"Yes, I'm aware, thank you."

I switch topics.

"So did you get a detention for pulling the alarm?"

"Yeah, I have it all week. It's okay though, we're on to something," he reassures me.

I watch myself wrap red string around my finger and express to him my self doubt.

He turns away from the wall and looks at me. That look again. Always that look.

"Lydia, you've been right every time something like this has happened. Alright? So don't start doubting yourself now."

"No scent. No bomb."

Stiles glances at my fingers that are turning to a similar shade of the string and says, "Barrow was there, right? You knew it; you felt it." His fingers work to undo the string. "Look, if you wanted to, I'd go back to that school right now and search all night just to prove it."

I smile at him. He is one of the few people who believes in me one hundred percent. He is the confidence I don't have.

Sometimes I think he's the one person in the world who knows me better than anyone else.

My eyes well with tears.

I turn to walk out the door.

I find myself standing in the boy's locker room. I turn when I hear the door open. I see myself supporting Stiles as we rush in.

Breathless, I encourage him and sit down to him on the floor.

"Come on. Come on. Just try to think of something else. Anything else."

"Okay," he says, "like what?"

We are both breathless.

"Happy things, good things, uhh," I stammer, "friends, family-"

He looks up and looks me in the eyes.

"Uhh I mean…not family, oh god, okay, uh." I roll my eyes at myself. Really Lydia?

I can basically hear my brain working five hundred miles an hour as I scan the back of my mind for tips on stopping panic attacks.

"Just try to slow your breathing," I get out.

"I can't. I can't," he repeats.

I grab his face gently and shush him. His eyes are frantic, searching for an antidote.

"Stiles, look at me. Look at me. Stiles…"

I lean in. I capture his lips with my own. I remember. His lips were salty with tears, but they were soft. I see him go breathless. I go breathless too. If I could go back to that time, feel his mouth against mine…

I feel something soft touch my lips. They caress them. They are salty but soft. I feel myself hold my breath. I open my eyes. I can see. I see him.

His warm brown eyes, his shaggy chestnut hair, just as I remembered. He's touching his mouth, his eyes wide.

"Guys…" he says, his eyes not leaving mine, "she's awake."


	3. Chapter 3S

_I _have always understood love. The way my parents looked at me as a child was full of awe and appreciation. The way they reveled when I rode a bike without the training wheels for the first time, the way they clapped their hands in delight the first time I read a book to them, the way the grinned at me when I made my first shot in lacrosse. Love surrounded me every day of my life. 

I remember how happy they were when I made my first friend. Making friends wasn't easy for me. I was too quirky and the way I played detective always confused the other kids. Nobody understood my games until Scott. Maybe it was because both of our fathers were in law enforcement, or maybe it was just an instantaneous bond, but either way, since that day in the sandbox when I dumped a bucket of sand on his head, we have been best friends.

He was there through it all. He was there when I broke my arm. He was there when I broke my wrist, pretending I was Superman and trying to fly off the roof (it was a miracle I didn't end up with a worse injury). He was there when my mom first got sick and through her funeral, where he sat next to me and was my shoulder to cry on when I couldn't hold the tears back anymore. 

The first time I saw her, she took my breath away. The way her long, strawberry blonde hair fell in waves around her shoulders and the way her green eyes lit up when she solved math equations always brought a cheesy smile to my face. She was perfection and the only girl in the school, as far as I was concerned.

The time we were partnered together for our science project, I thought my world was turned upside down. Scott gave me the thumbs up. Talk to her! His eyes silently told me. I grinned a shit-eating smile. I can do this!

I couldn't do that. Talking to her was almost like talking to a brick wall. As sixth graders, we had already formed our "groups." Unfortunately, Scott and I fell under the "nerdy rejects" group. We preferred playing Yu-Gi-Oh than playing the field. Because that's what the cool guys did. 

As we grew older, I realized my chance of ever getting to express my love for Lydia Martin was bleaker than my reputation.

When we entered high school, I was determined to make the lacrosse team. Maybe, just maybe, if I made it, she would see me. It was my only hope.

Somehow, I made the team. It was the best day of my life. It was the best day because I knew, I just knew, that the love of my life would finally notice me.

However, I was wrong. Instead of her seeing me sitting on the bench, she saw Jackson. He was a good foot taller than me, with chiseled muscles and a squared jaw. His hair was perfectly spiked and his crooked smile was blindly white.

Scott gave me a pat on the back as we watched her bounce down the hallway, her hand in his. 

Over the summer, I hit a growth spurt. When I got back to school, I was the same height as Jackson. Maybe now she'll notice me.

The first day of school, I spoke to her for the first time since our science project we had together in the sixth grade. I didn't even do it intentionally, it just slipped out. Apparently, she became deaf over the summer because she breezed right past me without so much as a glance.

My hope was diminishing more every single day, but it didn't stop me from loving her. 

Loving Lydia Martin is like wishing on a shooting star. You desperately hope that it will work out, that your dream will come true, but you know it never will.

However, that was then. A new era has come. A weird, dream like one where Lydia Martin laughs at my jokes, where Lydia Martin relies on me for help, who understands me, sometimes better than anyone else (except maybe Scott).

With the single kiss we shared, she knew. She felt it. I saw it in her eyes. An electric current passed between our lips and neither of us could deny it but neither of us could speak upon it. Things are too crazy. Things might always be too crazy.  
I fall more in love with her every moment I spend by her side. Her quick wit, her crazy intelligence, her bright eyes and genuine smile remind me of my mother daily. Sometimes, I think she sees how much I love her, but other times, I'm not so sure. 

But I couldn't wait forever. There came a time where I had to distance myself and explore the other possibilities. Malia. My beautiful coyote woman. Brutally honest, faithful and loyal, following my every word, sneaking into my room in the late hours of the night to make love…she's everything Lydia Martin is not, and I love that. When I'm with Malia, Lydia doesn't cross my mind and in the first time in my life, I realize that there are other women out there.

It doesn't mean I don't love Lydia anymore. I still love her more with each passing day, but life moves on.

Maybe one day, Lydia will realize that we're meant to be together. That day is not today, probably not tomorrow and more than likely not in the next year. But I stay optimistic. 

She is the love of my life. She is my soulmate. 

Nobody, including Malia, will ever take that away from me.


	4. Chapter P1

**A/N:**

**I'm suffering from writer's block. I'm halfway through chapter 4S but I can't seem to know where to finish off. So here's an original poem I wrote the other night. I wrote it from past experience but I figured it fit Lydia in the story, so let's just say she wrote this. Sorry for this! I just wanted to provide something for my subs to read. Feel free to comment constructive criticism!**

* * *

There once was a girl,

She had the world in the palm of her hand

Her life was nothing but pure beauty,

Her life was of crystal blue water and golden sand

Then the winds of a hurricane struck

Her world caved in around her

Leaving her trapped,

Leaving her broken and stuck,

With nothing but sheer pain around her

Her world lost all its allure,

The bright blue skies now darkened with thunder

Leaving her mind reeling and unsure,

Her mind a constant wander

But after every storm,

The calm wind sweeps the beaches

Leaving behind debris,

Scattering broken pieces

She cleans it up one day it at a time

And her pain and depression ceases

However her world, once leveled and smooth

Will forever be somewhat changed,

With her renewed faith and an open mind

Her life is rearranged

The sunrise appears and blinds her with brightness,

The warmth of another day

She now knows life will always go on,

No matter what it may say

For life is a beautiful and wonderful thing,

The sun will always shine after the darkness

And no matter what anything life may bring,,

She will always make it through, regardless

* * *

**A/N: Thanks for reading!**


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